Kate is a Carer for her mum, who is 91, her mother in law, who is 96, and was also a Carer for her dad, who had vascular dementia.
Kate’s mum lives in the same street as Kate and her husband. Her parents moved there not long before her dad became ill, and being close by meant they were able to help out with caring for him. Her dad passed away six years ago, and her mum has since been diagnosed with dementia herself.
Kate is the primary support for her mum, and living so close by means there are constant unannounced visits, phone calls, and incidents that affect her job, her relationships and her health.
Working from home during the pandemic along with the cancellation of her mum’s regular activities has added extra pressure, and left Kate and her husband exhausted and unable to take time for themselves.
“We never, ever have a break. It’s there, constant.”
“It’s almost like you feel it’s a sign of weakness if you admit that you have things in your life that might impact on your ability to work, so I didn’t.”
Career Impact
Before her dad became ill, Kate was working in a strategic role within the health service.
As his condition deteriorated, the level of care needed increased, and Kate reduced her hours at work to help out. As the need increased further she took time off work, and eventually decided to take early retirement.
Within a month of making that decision Kate’s dad passed away. While she recognises that she needed the space at the time, she also now realizes she could probably have paid space and returned to the job. Making the decision to leave that role has had an impact on her career, her earnings and crucially on the potential pensions that she would have received had she stayed. She has since had various jobs, but never at the level she was at before.
When she started in her current role she never mentioned that she was a Carer. However, there came a point where the caring role increased again and so she approached her boss to request flexible working.
It was at this point that she found out that her employer had a procedure in place to support that. When Kate said she hadn’t been aware of that, her boss responded “Well, you never seemed to not be coping!”
Trying to hide the situation had meant she had missed out on the support that was available.
Kate’s advice to other working Carers is to find out your employer’s policies on flexible working and time off for dependants. Also, make your employer aware of your caring role and that there might be times when there are greater demands on you at home.
Relationships Impact
Being a Carer and on call 24/7 has meant that Kate and her husband don’t get any meaningful time to themselves.
Evenings are constantly interrupted by phone calls or unannounced visits, and plans and even holidays have often had to be cancelled to deal with situations that have arisen.
It has affected relationships with siblings who are not involved in caring, and it has affected Kate’s ability to support her daughter and her grandkids.
Her husband and children have been very supportive throughout, and this has made a huge difference to her ability to cope. She’s also benefited from support from her local community who look out for her mum, and from having friends that she can talk to.
“I think a huge part of the stress and guilt is are you doing the best thing for your husband, your children, your grandchildren, your mother?”
“It’s just understanding that kind of physical and emotional exhaustion that you get…you can’t walk away.”
Health Impact
Having the responsibility for making medical and financial decisions for her mother has led to stress and sleepless nights.
There is also the constant second-guessing of whether the right decisions have been made, and trying to balance the needs of all the different family members. This pressure has affected both her physical and mental health.
Kate’s advice for other Carers is to get support early on – don’t wait until things get too much before seeking help. Also, advise your GP that you are a Carer and that this might add extra pressure on you. There may be additional support available.
What could change to better support Carers?
“I think it’s acknowledging it now, especially the Sandwich Generation where people are not only trying to provide support for children and grandchildren, or they’re still bringing up children, and then they’ve got the additional responsibility of elderly parents, or parents with additional needs. It has to be recognised in the same way, I think, as maternity and the early years is.
It’s a huge undertaking, and it costs you. It costs you in pensions, in your ability to work, in your ability to keep healthy, in your ability to engage in clubs, and to maintain friendships. So I think that has to be acknowledged.
And I think that women are probably disproportionately disadvantaged. It has had an impact on my earnings, and it will have an impact on my pension, so from that point of view I think it has to be viewed seriously.”
We would like to thank Kate for taking the time to share her story with us. If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this story, please contact the Centre for support.
